Valerie Mon 28th May
Things have been as topsy-turvy as usual. Despite me feeling like things were on the up in my last blog, I’ve hit another ‘down’ now.
Things just suddenly seemed more difficult to cope with and I had begun to really criticise myself. I had asked a friend at work if she would be honest enough to tell me if she felt that I was beginning to not cope at work.Two weeks ago she phoned me at home and said that she noticed the signs that things were beginning to turn for me. This was then followed by my manager taking me aside and saying that she felt that I was distracted at work and had not been picking things up as quickly as I normally would. To be honest, I had been struggling but had hoped that on the outside everything looked ok. I felt so ashamed. Work is important to me as I really feel it helps my self esteem, but that is coupled with the fear that I might make a mistake if distracted, so I went to see my GP the next day. I described what I’d been told – he is my professional colleague as well as my GP- and he did say that he’d noticed nothing wrong at work (not quite sure that is any comfort though – how does he normally find me!!). I was tearful and he suggested some time off work. I asked for a week off, but he said that was not long enough and signed me off for 2 weeks.
I’m now at the star of the second week and so glad that I do not have to go into work. Now that I’m off, I realise how much I’ve been struggling. I’ve seen my CPN and she supports the decision, and my appointment with my psychiatrist has been brought forward. Unfortunately my psychologist is off sick herself – in my more self pitying moments, I wonder if I’ve driven her to it! I’m trying so hard to keep busy and to keep my mind occupied but swing from utter exhaustion to determination to complete tasks that would be difficult for anyone to achieve never mind someone with depression. My dog Merry enjoys the company and copes well with the tearful, stomping, ball throwing walks on the beach, although is sometimes bemused as we set off yet again.
I’ll just need to ride the rollercoaster again and hope that this is a ‘blip’. And if anyone says that I’ve ‘picked’ a good time to be off because of the weather I’ll just scream!