I was 19, at university, many would say plenty of future opportunities. So why did I feel so bad? What was this term depression that I had been diagnosed with and taking medication to treat? What could I do to feel better?
At 20, I attempted suicide. It seemed the only way to stop how I was feeling. A long chat with a Community Psychiatric Nurse the day after helped me start to understand how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way.
It took time, but I was able to stop taking medication and control my emotions and feelings myself. I never expected the depression to return. Which it did at the age of 26. And stayed for two years. Only starting to go when I quit the job I had been in for five and a half years but had been making me miserable.
This is my story. Through the dark times. Through the light times. To the light at the end of the tunnel and future possibilities.
I have moved on now and would like to thank all those who read my blog. I'd like to leave what I wrote here as it may be helpful to others. Thanks very much.
To read the full entry, click on the title of each entry. You can also comment on what Amanda has to say. You need to login to comment and please note that comments are moderated first.
I hit a very low low earlier this year between April-June. At times, I didn't think I would come out of it and the end was near.
It was all change in July when I had the courage to take the leap and quit my job.
Four months later, I have reduced antidepressant medication to lowest dose and am aiming to stop taking the medication at the start of the new year. I no longer have to see my GP every 2-3 weeks. And life is totally different. I now enjoy it!
The past 2-3 years have passed in a depressive haze but the clouds have now lifted.
All the best to everyone else suffering from depression and their families.
Never give up hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Believing in yourself is the key to opening many doors.
I really enjoyed watching The Great British Bake Off and the challenges the bakers faced every week.
Throughout the series, Cathryn had been lacking self-esteem and self-belief. This was not highly detrimental until episode 8. Watching this episode, it was evident to me as a viewer that Cathryn did not believe she could successfully complete the three tasks and from the beginning of the programme was in a "I can't do this" frame of mind. Needless to say, she left that week.
Self-esteem and self-belief is 'owned' by each individual and it is up to each individual to nurture and care for both, especially when others are determined to belittle us.
I think of self-esteem and self-belief as a candle flame deep inside me. If I allow it to go out, (which has came close to happening in the past), I have felt that I have nothing left to live for and am merely occupying a 'shell of a body'. There are times when my candle flame is weak and I hear myself saying "I can't ...", "I can't...", "I can't...". When I nurture and care for my candle flame, it is bright and lights me up as a person. This is when I do my best and really try. I am careful though that my flame doesn't take fire and burns those around me. (I hope I will never be described as 'full of myself').
Keep your candle flame shining bright within you, lighting up even the darkest of days, and bringing those "I can'ts" out of the shadows, into the light, and into "I can's".
This week, I have realised how grateful I am that I don't have to attend a GP appointment every two weeks, every three weeks, every four weeks, even every six weeks.
The responsibility of looking after myself has been handed back to me.
And it's very nice to know that I am capable of doing so.
The thought of turning 30 doesn't fill me with as much dread now as it did before I turned 29.
In the last few months of being 28, in the lead up to quitting my job, I didn't think I would stick around to see 29, never mind seeing 30 in a years time. I've now been 29 for just under three weeks, and its not so bad.
Why the fear of turning 30?
My brother was three and a half months short of turning 30 when he committed suicide. As I was single and in a job I hated, I saw myself having the same fate.
I may still be single, but I'm out of the job which caused me so much grief. I now feel I'm back in the driving seat rather than cowering in the passenger seat with my eyes tight shut and my hands tight over my ears.
And I raise a glass in celebration of my final year countdown to the big 3-0.
When I was working in my most recent job, the alarm would go off at 6am in the morning. I would then have "just another fifteen minutes" warm, snuggled in bed, safe.
On getting up, I would suddenly have urgent taks that needed to be done before getting ready for work. Some tasks that had been on my to-do list for a while, others I had only just thought of.
Inevitably, I would end up running late for work.
On arriving at work, I would sit down at my desk, switch on the computer, and wistfully look outside thinking where else I could be and what else I could be doing.
Two hours before finishing time and my mind was everywhere accept at the job I was doing.
Now, I naturally wake up around 9am. Jump out of bed raring to get on with the day. Look outside to see what the weather is like. Make the most of my day. And go to sleep at night with no regrets. Knowing tomorrow is a new day I can make the most of all over again.
